Being Jamie Baker Read online

  It was the strangest thing, but I was actually having fun for the first time in I don’t know how long, and when Ryan asked me to put my dress on, I didn’t even think twice about it. I grabbed the dress, dashed into my bathroom, and came back a few minutes later in the baby blue silk that won me my crown over a year ago. I pulled the sash over my chest and took a spin. “What do you think?”

  “I think I feel sorry for any girl that had to compete against you.”

  Ryan pulled the tiara off his head and gently placed it on mine. “It looks much better on you,” he said, and then stepped back to get a good look at me.

  I was surprised by all the butterflies I had in my stomach as Ryan looked me over. He was obviously a little enamored, and I blushed under his gaze. I think he was glad to see it because he grinned and then rather boldly pulled me into his arms. “What do you know?” he whispered in a tone that instantly turned the playful atmosphere to something much more intense. “It looks like I’m going to get my dance after all.”

  I may be the poster child for Marvel Comics, but at that moment as he began to dance with me, I was completely powerless to stop him. I wondered for a brief second if maybe my parents were right. What if Ryan really was good for me? Right then I felt normal. I felt better than normal. I felt accepted, wanted. It felt so right to be in his arms. I didn’t say anything, just stood there feeling a little overwhelmed, and the next thing I knew, his lips were almost touching mine.

  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to kiss him again, and both of us knew it. I was scared out of my mind because I didn’t think I’d be able to stop him if he tried. Especially not when my brain kept telling me that the first kiss didn’t seem to hurt him any. But when he reached up to brush a loose strand of hair from my face he felt a shock. It was enough of a shock to make him flinch, and I watched, horrified, as he stuck his finger in his mouth as though it hurt.

  Ryan just laughed and made some cheesy comment about the sparks between us, but I knew the truth, and my stomach literally did a few leaps up into my chest. I managed to jump back before he could kiss me and glanced his direction only long enough to see him roll his eyes. “How long are you going to play hard to get?” he whined, immediately attempting to get the moment back.

  The poor guy had no idea that he would never have another moment like that. This time he only received a shock, but what if next time it felt more like sticking a metal fork in an electrical socket? I felt kind of bad because I couldn’t explain all the mixed signals, but now that my worst fears were being confirmed, there wouldn’t be any more mix-ups, and he wasn’t going to like the outcome.

  “Forever,” I whispered as soon as I could find my voice.

  I ripped the tiara off my head to put it away. My hands were shaking as I reached to put the old shoebox back on the closet shelf, and Ryan startled the life out of me when he walked up right behind me. “Forever doesn’t really work for me,” he said, and I jumped so high I dropped the box and spilled a mess of old pictures all over the floor.

  “Somebody’s tense,” Ryan teased as he bent down to help me pick the pictures up. “I’m not making you nervous, am I? Because you know, if I am, it’s probably because you like me and you don’t want to admit it.”

  There were so many ways I could have answered that if I’d been paying attention to him even the least little bit, but I wasn’t. I was now sitting on the floor staring at an old picture of Derek and me at a football game. I don’t know how long I sat there, and I didn’t notice when Ryan sat down next to me. I’d forgotten he was even there until he pointed at the picture. “Is that him?”

  I shook myself from my daze and handed over the picture with a nod, glad for the change of subject, even if it was about my dead boyfriend. “This was at the beginning of sophomore year. Right after I met him,” I explained. “We grew up in the same town, but he was older than me so we never really talked until then. I was the only sophomore to make the varsity cheerleading squad, and when the cutest boy in school—a senior, and the star quarterback—asked me out, I was kind of star struck. I think I was in love before the end of our first conversation.”

  Ryan’s eyes sparkled, and I knew what he was thinking before he said it. “So you have a weakness for good-looking quarterbacks, huh?”

  “It was just a phase,” I grumbled, snatching the picture back and shoving it into the box. “I am so done with your kind.”

  “We’ll see about that.”

  We’d officially come full circle now, and the almost sincere conversation was back to him annoying me. “You are so egocentric,” I groaned as I got to my feet.

  “And you are so in denial!” Ryan answered. “You may have everyone else in the school fooled, but you are not as mean as you think you are. Why don’t you just admit that you’re tired of all the self-exile crap? Stop trying to be the ice queen, and start being Jamie Baker again.”

  “Just start being Jamie Baker again? Because it’s just that simple?”

  I finally lost it, and not just a little. As tears filled my eyes, rage filled my heart, and the electricity in the house immediately responded. Ryan looked up at the light, confused, and that only made me all the more upset.

  “Not everything’s black and white, Ryan! Don’t think spending the evening here means that you know me. I can’t ever be that Jamie Baker again. You have no idea how bad I wish I could, but I can’t. That Jamie Baker is dead! Okay? She doesn’t exist anymore!”

  The lights flickered again, and I tried to calm myself down. “I want you to leave now.”

  Ryan didn’t have a witty comeback this time. He looked really upset, and I hate that I hurt him, but I’m only human. Well, when it comes to my emotions anyway. I was so angry that I couldn’t think clearly anymore, and I just let the tears flow.

  “Jamie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it sound like I—”

  “Just go!”

  I was so upset that when I screamed, the lights got really bright, and then all the electricity in the house went out. My parents were knocking on my bedroom door within seconds. My mother sounded worried as she entered the room with a flashlight. “Jamie? Ryan? I think we’re having a little trouble with the circuit breakers, is everything okay in here?”

  Trouble with the circuit breakers? Right, because I just blew them up!

  “Mrs. Baker, I’m so sorry,” Ryan stammered. “I have no idea what happened. One second we were laughing, and then she just… I didn’t mean to upset her.”

  “It’s not your fault, honey,” my mother insisted as she ushered Ryan out of my room.

  It felt like his fault. It felt like it was all his stupid fault. I wanted to drown out the voices as soon as my bedroom door was shut, but no matter how hard I tried, I still had to listen to my mother try to explain my unstable behavior and assure Ryan that he did nothing wrong.

  It was awful because I wanted to be angry. I wanted to hate him, but deep down I knew my mother was right. Ryan really didn’t do anything wrong, and the only person I really hated was myself.

  * * * * *

  CHAPTER 5

  Some nights there’s just no sleeping. After Ryan left I had one of those nights. I liked him, and I hated that I liked him. I went to bed wondering how I could make myself stop liking him, but the only flaw I’d found in him so far was an abundance of confidence that I wasn’t sure wasn’t completely justified. There was no way to hate him. I could only hate myself because I couldn’t have him, and it was that wonderful thought that kept me tossing and turning all night.

  I think I finally dozed off sometime after sunrise, and when my mother came creeping into my bedroom, it felt a lot earlier than the noon she claimed it was. “Rise and shine, Jamie, before there’s not any shine left to rise to.”

  “Mom, I really don’t feel good. I think I’m just going to stay in bed today.”

  “You’re not sick, Jamie, you’re wallowing. Moping around your room all weekend is not going to make you feel any better. Come on—up,
up, up! I heard somewhere that Macy’s is having a sale. Let’s go pick out cute new outfits and get our nails done the way we used to.”

  I have to admit that even though I knew exactly what she was up to, the offer was still tempting. I missed those spontaneous day trips I used to take into Chicago with my mom whenever one of us had a really bad day. But the thought of a cute new outfit brought on a whole new wave of depression, and I pulled the covers over my head. “You go ahead, Mom. I don’t have any need for a cute new outfit, anyway.”

  “We also need to hit the beauty supply store. You’re running low on hair dye, and your roots need a touch-up.”

  “And you don’t know what brand and color I use by now?”

  “All right, fine,” my mom said, refusing to let my face stay buried beneath my covers. “I’ll get some new clothes, and you can go crazy in Borders.”

  That offer was even better. I love reading. I didn’t always, but now I found it such a quiet, peaceful, relaxing hobby. It gave me the chance to read about people like me, even if they were just pretend. My mom, however, only saw it as an easy way to be antisocial and didn’t like the fact that I did it so much. So her bribing me with books meant she was truly concerned this time.

  It was clear that she was never going to let me lie in bed all day, so I grudgingly got up. The next thing I knew, I was sucking down an Orange Julius in an overcrowded food court, trying not to let my mother see how much the noise was making my head hurt. She already felt bad enough to spring for eight new books, so she didn’t need to feel any worse.

  I hadn’t really touched my lunch. After last night I wasn’t all that hungry. My mom noticed, but she hadn’t jumped on my case for it. I could tell she was still trying to figure out a way to cheer me up, and I knew she was dying to ask me about what happened with Ryan, but so far it was all just conversation that could easily avoid the subject.

  “What if you got a job?” she asked randomly when it got quiet.

  I just looked at her skeptically.

  “No, I’m serious, Jamie. You go to school, and that seems to work just fine. And eventually you’re going to grow up and have to get a job anyway. What’s wrong with you getting one now? It would give you something to do besides read.”

  “I like reading, Mom.”

  “Yeah, but you need to get out and be social more often. And besides, how else are we going to keep paying for all these books?”

  “That’s what the library is for.”

  “Come on, Jamie. Having a job is a normal teenage activity. You’re always saying you wish you could be normal, but you won’t do anything about it. You don’t have to make friends at a job if you don’t want to, but it might be a good structured activity for you.”

  “Yeah, because hours of school every day—plus all the homework—isn’t enough.”

  “I know you’re having a bad day, but don’t you get an attitude with me,” my mother said sternly, suddenly making me feel like a jerk. “You are not as handicapped as you think you are. If your life is miserable, it’s because you let it be.”

  “Sorry,” I muttered out of guilt even though I didn’t actually believe what she’d said. My life was miserable and it was out of my control, no matter what she thought. I didn’t want her to feel bad, though, so I tried to keep the conversation going.

  “A job might not be so bad,” I admitted. “It’s just that after hours of being at school with all the noise, my head usually hurts like crazy, and I need some peace and quiet. It’s hard to be around so many people all the time.”

  My mom’s sour expression turned into concern as she looked around the crowded mall. “Are you feeling all right now? Do we need to go home?”

  “No, Mom.” I sighed even though I wanted nothing more than to be back home, lying in bed. “I’m fine right now. I’m just saying it might make it difficult to have a job while I’m in school.”

  She sighed and things got quiet again. I glanced at her before I reached up to rub my head, but she didn’t notice my discomfort because she was too busy frowning at one of the books I’d just purchased. “Why always with the aliens or superheroes?” she complained.

  “Freaks with powers, trying to conceal their true identities?” I laughed bitterly. “I wonder.”

  “And this?” My mom held up a biography of Stephen King with a disapproving look.

  “Hey,” I said defensively. “That’s not fiction. It’s nice to know that there’re bigger freaks out there than me.”

  “Sweetheart, that’s not going to make you feel more normal. And there’s a whole lot more to you than just having powers, you know. Why don’t you find a good drama? I’ll bet you could relate to that really well.”

  I love my mom. She was being dead serious, and yet she still made me smile. “You’re calling me the drama queen?” I laughed. There was no questioning where I get my theatrics. “No thanks. I have enough drama in my life already. And besides”—I took the biography from my mother’s hands—“I have to read this one for class.”

  “This is an assignment?” My mom was a little more than skeptical.

  I shrugged. “We’re all about biographies in English right now.”

  “And you chose Stephen King?”

  “Mr. E. never specified who, and you have to admit, Stephen King is way more interesting than President Obama or Taylor Swift or whoever.”

  My mother sighed dramatically and then frowned at another book. “All right, fine. But you could still try other books too. You never know, you might really enjoy a nice… romance.”

  And there it was. Clever but not quite sneaky enough to fool me.

  “Didn’t you say there was a sale around here somewhere?” I asked, pulling myself from our table.

  My mom sighed and followed me down the mall until I stopped in front of a store window with a really nice dress in it. “You should buy something like that, and then make Dad take you someplace nice.”

  My mom paused a minute, and I smirked because she was finally going to say it. Sure enough, she blurted, “I like Ryan,” failing at her attempt to be subtle.

  I wandered into the store pretending to be clueless. When she gave me an expectant look, I muttered, “Not gonna happen.”

  “Jamie, what on earth happened last night?”

  “Nothing.” I knew she would never buy it, but I still had to try.

  Yup, I was right. The look she gave me was definitely a don’t-make-me-angry look. “You had me worried sick, and you scared that poor boy half to death.”

  “Good. Maybe he’ll leave me alone now,” I grumbled. My mother shot me another death look so I shrugged. “I can’t help it. I don’t need him telling me how to live my life too. You and Dad do that enough already, and it’s not as easy as everyone thinks it is!”

  I noticed that my tone of voice was all of a sudden really harsh when my mom’s eyes glossed over with moisture, and I felt like crap. “I tried, okay?” I said, calming myself. “I tried to talk to Ryan and it didn’t work. I nearly blew up the house! Face it, Mom. As much as I wish I could be normal, I’m just not.”

  My mom looked upset, and I could tell she wanted to disagree, but she didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t argue that I fried the circuit breakers last night, and I was sure she knew it could have been a lot worse. I felt bad, but what could I do?

  Sometimes there’s just not anything to say, so to break the awkward silence I pulled a little black cocktail dress off the rack and handed it to my mom. “You should try this on.”

  It took her a second, but my mom eventually gave up and took the dress. When she disappeared into a changing room I started flipping through some of the nearby racks. Once she wasn’t standing there distracting me, I started to notice all the chatter going on around me. Two voices stuck out right away. I couldn’t see them, but it was definitely Paige and Tamika, and they were happily discussing their favorite topic. “She’s still not answering her phone. I hope she’s all right,” Tamika said.

  “It�
��s Becky,” Paige grumbled. “She blows us off all the time.”

  “Yeah, but she usually calls.”

  “I’ll bet she’s still with Mike. Did you see the way he was all over her last night? Why do you think they didn’t come to the after party? I wonder what they were doing.”

  “I don’t think so. Becky told me they were going to Ryan’s house to figure out why he didn’t come to the dance, but that’s the last I heard from her. I’m telling you, Paige, I think something might be wrong. She always answers her phone, and she never misses a good sale.”

  I smirked when Tamika mentioned Ryan because I knew Paige had to be a little sore about him being a no-show at the dance. She’d actually turned down three different guys, thinking that Ryan was going to ask her when Mike asked Becky, and she ended up without a date to homecoming. Served her right.

  That’s when the two girls came into my view. They walked into the store I was in, looking like the suburban version of Paris and Nicole with their extremely short skirts and shopping bags galore. “Who cares about Becky,” Paige said right on cue. “I’m worried about Ryan. The guy was announced homecoming king and didn’t even show up to the dance. He hasn’t really been the same lately. Not since the ice queen brainwashed him.”

  I had to laugh at that. Although, a brainwashing ability might be nice.

  “Who does she think she is, anyway?” Paige continued to rant. “I don’t care how hot everyone thinks she is. She doesn’t deserve a guy as nice as Ryan.”

  Yeah, and like Paige was any better a person than I was? Ryan deserved way better than both of us put together.

  “It’s so pathetic the way she’s obviously trying to use his popularity to pull herself out of Loserville.”

  “Psh, like that could ever happen.” Tamika laughed. “Ryan may be hot, but he’s not a miracle worker. No one can help that poor freak.”

  Okay, what good are powers if you can’t use them for the greater good once in a while? I couldn’t listen to any more of this, so just for kicks I casually strolled over to the other side of the clothing rack where Paige and Tamika were sifting through a collection of skirts that were on sale because it was getting too cool to wear them—no doubt they’d both be sporting one tomorrow no matter what the weather forecaster said the temperature would be. They were so engrossed in their conversation that they didn’t realize I was standing three feet from them.